To My Husband, Ed
   With All My Respect, Admiration, Thanks and Love  
~Christine Cooley~ 

Today I thought we had passed it all.
I don't know why after all these years that I would forget.

But the past two weeks were so calm, so peaceful, so full of joy.
I know this has happened before, but then each time you hope that maybe it will last and everything will finally be okay.

Our conversations were like when we met, open, full of trust, nothing held back.

You spoke of wanting to give back something to someone because you have received so much support and help through the years.

Who am I to second guess when you sound so positive, so strong, so ready?
I wanted to believe it so badly. I have seen you suffer way too long.
I wanted all of you to be there again, not just parts of you, sometimes.
And I also could not bring myself to cast any doubt on how good you were really feeling or whether you were truly ready to handle reaching out to someone else.

It was so good to see the hope in your face, to hear the lightness in your voice, that I made the mistake of not seeing the stress building in your eyes. 

That is where you always leave me first, and I cannot get you back from there until you are ready.
But I should have known better, I should have been prepared.

Today as I listened to you talk, I turned my back to do some things and felt the cold familiar silence come over the room , the hair on my neck standing up.

After so many years I knew to move slowly, to listen, make no sound. 

The voice behind me was not the one that was there moments ago. 
It spoke of things I could not even imagine after all these years, in details as if it was yesterday.

I spoke to you gently to see if I was the enemy or one of you, and this time I was safe and could approach.
But you were stuck there for quite some time, details pouring forth as if they would never end. 

Where have you kept them all? I thought I had heard most of them at other times, but these were new, fresh, never said.

How did you keep such horror and suffering and atrocities deep inside for all these years?
How did you make it this far? I fear for you because there is probably more.

This time I was able to get you to the doctor calmly, quickly and fast.

You did not even remember any of what you said, but you knew you had to go see the Doc.
He was kind, this doc on duty, he sat and watched to see what he could do and then the pain poured forth leaving your body wracking with despair.

I tried to hold you but you could not stand contact, you were unclean, not good enough.
No matter what I said to tell you differently did not matter , you did not hear me, you were not here, you were "there".

After almost two hours you started to make sense, to come back to reality, but the pain and suffering came with you.

You are so tired of this life and you say so, tired of living like this, tired.
They cannot convince you to go in the hospital for a few days this time, you want to be with me.
So they give you something to calm you down, and tonight I lay here next to you and watch you sleep.

I thank God again that you got through this one, but I am so scared when you just can't take anymore.
Because my love, this is only a part of you. The other part is the gentlest, warmest, loving, giving, funny, compassionate person I ever met.

What would I do without you? I want to grow old with my lover, my husband, my best friend.
Will God forgive me for being selfish for needing you so much?

Will I ever get the chance for you to truly understand how honored I am to have shared my life with you?

I know you do not take compliments well, there is so much self doubt from your pain whether remembered or not.

Will I ever get you to hear, really hear, that I would do it all with you again? You are the meaning of real love and I was not just lucky knowing you as others do, I have your love and you have mine.

I have to believe someday, somewhere there is peace for you and your brothers.
And that we combat wives will meet you all there someday, and you will truly hear our words.

All My Love, Christine.


Ed and Christine Cooley

 

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